I like to pretend I’m a confident person who can’t be hurt by anyone. When, in fact, I’m the complete opposite. I’m overwhelmed with self doubt, scared that no one will ever except the real me and that I will just get hurt, and forever be alone. The last part use to scare the bejesus out of me. Now not so much. The past 9 months have been a struggle, but they have taught me a lot too. I’ve learnt to appreciate who I am. Yes, I am far from perfect and I will probably make a few more mistakes along the way. I know I won’t ever be a ‘famous’ designer, but I love designing and that’s why I am so passionate about it. Maybe it isn’t the career path for me. Only time will tell. I’ve learnt to love who I am, this slightly strange one eyed girl, who will always think far too much. I will never be the prettiest girl, I’m far from beautiful but I have dashing smile that helps me get out of trouble. I will never have the perfect body, but I have enough ‘fashion’ knowledge to know how to cover the lumps and bumps, and present my body in a pleasing way. Mostly, I’ve learnt that I do love myself and that I am a good person deep down. I make mistake. I do stupid things, but I am a caring person who puts everyone before myself. I’ve learnt being on my own isn’t as scary as I first thought, and if I eventually end up alone it won’t be too bad. At least I would have been spared the heartache and hurt. Or maybe not. I can’t predict the future so I need to stop trying. I probably should take down this brick wall I have built, to keep everyone out and to spare my feelings. Am I ready?
Decently Average
You say I am beautiful, I know you lie.
You try to compliment me, it just makes me cry.
I know I’m not special, so stop saying I am.
I know I’m not perfect, so stop saying I am.
I’m just a decently average kind of girl.
I’m more like paper than a pearl.
There is nothing special about me.
Don’t tell me different, I plea.
I’m just an average ‘joe’.
I never put on a show.
I keep to myself behind my brick wall.
Because there I am safe and will never fall.
You say one day I will finally see.
That something is special about me.
I’m sorry but you are wrong.
These thoughts and feelings are too strong.
To be changed or convince otherwise.
Maybe you should see if through my eyes.
I’m just this girl who plods along.
Your thoughts on me are very wrong.
Boring and bland is how you should see me.
That’s who I am, so leave my thoughts be.
Who am I?
I’m trying to discover who I am,
To figure out my life plan.
I use to be certain of what my life would be,
Now, I don’t even think I know the real me.
I feel like my life has come crashing down,
And all I seem to do is sit and frown.
What will I be? What will I do?
All my plans I thought I knew.
How will I know what the future holds,
I wish I knew how it would unfold.
What decisions should I make,
What risks should I take.
But sadly I will never know,
I just have to take each day as I go.
Hopefully I will find the silver lining,
So that I can finally stop whining.
Curiouser and curiouser
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”
Lewis Carroll did have a wonderful way with words, despite what people may rumour about him, you cannot deny he was a brilliant writer. Why am I quoting Lewis Carroll you ask? It’s probably because I can relate strongly to his notion of ‘wonderland’ at the moment. My interpretation of Alice in Wonderland is someone trying to find out who they are in this crazy world; I maybe wrong but this is how I see it. More frequently, I find myself asking myself “who am I?” and “where am I going in life?” All a little daunting and probably the result of a quarter life crisis, due to the fact I was made redundant 3 months ago and finding work in my desire field is proving difficult. Do I give up? Do I give in to the temptation of applying for random jobs instead of design related ones? Do I give up on the dream of being a Graphic Designer, the dream I have held close to my heart for the past 10 years, or do I keep on plodding; which is currently very disheartening.
I then, have the confusion of what I now what to achieve in my life; something I was once so certain on, has now come crashing now to a mountain of steaming shit. You maybe reading this and thinking “Jesus, this girl is a moaner and blowing things out of proportion”. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. But it’s not like I’m a spoilt little girl who hasn’t experience some crappy times. At 18 months I was diagnosed with cancer which resulted in the removal of my left eye. Meaning I’ve lived the past 24 and a half years as the freak who can take her artificial eye out. I know this isn’t the end of the world, but words hurt and I have heard some horrible ones. Throw in my parents divorce, the death of my beloved grandma, the realisation my father is a horrible person, the death of my little brother all before leaving high school. And I wondered why I was diagnosed with depression just over two years ago. As you can see I have had my fair share of shit. I know, I know there is probably is someone out there who is worst off from me. I still have my health and a loving supportive family who think the world of me; what I really am saying is can I have a little bit of good luck please! Can someone hire me. Could someone please advise me what to do with my life. Could someone show me the way forward. I should be doing uni work, or preparing myself for my interview tomorrow, instead I am wallowing in self pity in an oversized university hoody with unwashed hair. Is there help for me? Probably, I just need to book my ideas up really.
Home Sweet Home
I think the second shower finally got the smell of festival off me. For the past 6 days I’ve spent my time in a muddy sunny field watching wonderful music fuelled by cider and fresh air. That’s right, I’ve just got back from Glastonbury. Even though my red sun burnt skin is still glowing with amazing memories of careless dancing, and still covered in all kinds of cuts and bruises, reality has already kick in. After being phone less for 6 days, I returned to an inbox jam packed of emails, interview offers, freelance projects, and even a minor lottery win! My brain whirls with the melodies of the past few days, over flowing with lyrics and memories. However, it’s time to get back to reality and make ends meet. With a to do list as long as my arm, and a head/heart full of unsure emotions to organise. Just the thought gives me a migraine. So I’ve retiring to bed at half 7 because I have a busy week to deal with, and at the moment I can even see straight through tiredness.
The ‘D’ word
My cheeks are stained with my salty tears.
Eyes reddened by spiralling thoughts and confusion.
Head pounding with unanswered questions.
Things don’t get easier, they seem to get harder.
I start to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
And before I know it I can see the end.
Steps away from finally escaping these awful 12 months of my life.
To be free from this illness that is depression.
This illness that kills me from the inside out.
Almost free.
Almost me again.
Almost tablet free.
But that is as far as I get – almost.
Another hurdle appears.
Another mound of shit is throw in the way.
The light slowly gets darker.
Hope fades.
Will I ever escape?
Will I ever be ‘me’ again?
Only time will let.
Time I fear I don’t have anymore.
All I can do is wait…
I give up
Right that’s it I give up!
I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of thinking. I’m sick of trying to please everyone and getting nothing in return. I’m sick of my head hurting. I’m sick of the confusion. All I’m seem to do its try and try. I’m not moaning, I’ve had my share of bad luck and bad thing happen to me for a lifetime. When is it my turn for some good luck please. I’m not a horrible person. I try my god damn hardest to get by in the crazy world and I just keep getting knocked back. I don’t know what I want, all I seem to do is hurt people and upset them.
As tears steam down my face as I write this all I can think is that I want to sleep. Sleep the pain away. Sleep forever. So many people would be better off without knowing me. I wouldn’t have caused any hurt or pain. Their lives would be simpler. I fear I’m losing this battle again and I’m scared of what might happen. I swallow down today’s pill and hope it clears my haze. I’m going to bed now. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is a clearer day. Or even still, to hoping that maybe I don’t wake this time and I save everyone a lot of heart ache.
Every girl…
Every girl wants to be told she is beautiful and treated like a princess, because deep down we’re just scared. Scared we are not good enough. Scared we won’t ever be good enough. We critic ourselves and think that we will never be good enough. We have to live up to the expectations of movies, models and porn. We don’t think people will like us for who we are, so we put on make up, mess with our hair, and wear ridiculously high shoes to try and makes ourselves feel better. And instead of girls sticking together and helping each other; we bitch and slag each other off. It’s a vicious circle that will never break.
Favourite inspiring quotes and lyrics. Part 1.
“As he read. I fell in love the way you fall to sleep; slowly, then all at once.” The faults in our stars by John Green.
“If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.” Looking for Alaska by John Green.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” Perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
“Fall in love with yourself, because someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got.” Paramore
“A brain that never stops ticking, sometimes an on-off switch would sure come in handy. A mind that’s constantly cutting up and dissecting, looking for answers, committing murders along the way” Rocky Votolato.
“Cause when she dances she goes and goes” Vanessa Carlton.
“Maybe I’m a little bit over my head, I come undone at the things he said. And he’s so funny in his bright red shirt. We were all in love and we all got hurt” Vanessa Carlton.
“I watch you spin around in your highest heels. You are the best one, of the best ones” Dashboard Confessional.
20 ways to make the most of your 20s
20 ways to make the most of your 20s: writing by myself and one of my best friends.
- Always make time for friends and beer, even if it is once every three months!
- Get so drunk that you hiccup and start conversations with strangers.
- Only buy things that are cute, quirky and make you smile.
- Everytime you’re left on your own try and make a new friend.
- Always make time for creativity even if it’s just reading a book.
- Make sure you carefully choose the correct instagram filter for your photos.
- Take photos everyday even if it is just of a tree.
- Try as much beer as you can even if you don’t actually like it.
- Everytime you get the opportunity to ‘borrow’ a beer mat/poster/glass always take it.
- Don’t question other people’s fashion sense, or your own.
- When you get in from a night out, first thing you do is make yourself a drink.
- Everything is not as bad as it seems. Stop worrying. A smile will make everything better.
- You don’t need other people to do happy.
- Do one thing that scares you everyday.
- Get outside at every opportunity. However, sometimes you do just need a duvet day.
- Always take a pen and paper wherever you go.
- You are what you eat. Eat what makes you happy.
- Make the most of who you are.
- Money isn’t everything. The best things in life are free.
- Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, and all is well in the world.
A 'Penny' for her thoughts 