Lost

After months of moaning about needed to find a new job, I got offered three potential jobs at one time. One part-time job. One full-time freelance job (only lasting a couple of months). One full-time permenant designer job. I chose the latter thinking this would be the opportunity most beneficial for my career and for myself. Two weeks in and I think I made have made the wrong decision. I know two weeks is a short period of time to make such an important, rash decision like this, but I just know. It doesn’t feel right. The work isn’t challenging and dare I say it a little tedious, there is no opportunity to progress in the company so I don’t see how this would help my development and career. Yes, I have more responsibilities than my previous job, and yes I should be grateful I have a job in this current climate, but if I am spending 36.5 hours there a week shouldn’t I at least enjoy it?

I guess I just feel a little lost lately. Lost with what I should do about my job/career, should I continue the search or completely change my career. I’m lost with my MA course, I don’t know what direction I should take or how to progress my project. I have a sudden realisation that I do want to be able to love again I just don’t know how, and I don’t know how to escape the ghosts of my past to move on and do this. It’s coming up to a year since a tried to take my life which is bringing back some more demons and causing my moods to swing and drop. I can’t seem to shake the abuse from my brain lately and I am haunted from what he has done. How can HE have such a good life, he loves again, he is apparently doing well and everywhere I go I am reminded of him. Yet, I am here drowning again. Nothing seems to be going right. When will it be my turn to break free and live again? I try so hard everyday. Pick myself up and carry on, help others and I’m kind, but I get nothing. Nothing back, just a emptiness that is life. What will happen if I give up again?

What scares me the most at the moment is the thoughts I am having. These thoughts I have had before have sprung back to life. If I didn’t wake up it would be better. I wouldn’t bother anyone anymore. I would be free from my demons. All I have to do is swallow down another cocktail of painkillers. Just more this time. I’ve learnt from mistakes. This scares me. I just want to escape this paper town that is crushing the person I need to be. I need help. I need to be found. I can’t deal with being lost anymore.