Lost

After months of moaning about needed to find a new job, I got offered three potential jobs at one time. One part-time job. One full-time freelance job (only lasting a couple of months). One full-time permenant designer job. I chose the latter thinking this would be the opportunity most beneficial for my career and for myself. Two weeks in and I think I made have made the wrong decision. I know two weeks is a short period of time to make such an important, rash decision like this, but I just know. It doesn’t feel right. The work isn’t challenging and dare I say it a little tedious, there is no opportunity to progress in the company so I don’t see how this would help my development and career. Yes, I have more responsibilities than my previous job, and yes I should be grateful I have a job in this current climate, but if I am spending 36.5 hours there a week shouldn’t I at least enjoy it?

I guess I just feel a little lost lately. Lost with what I should do about my job/career, should I continue the search or completely change my career. I’m lost with my MA course, I don’t know what direction I should take or how to progress my project. I have a sudden realisation that I do want to be able to love again I just don’t know how, and I don’t know how to escape the ghosts of my past to move on and do this. It’s coming up to a year since a tried to take my life which is bringing back some more demons and causing my moods to swing and drop. I can’t seem to shake the abuse from my brain lately and I am haunted from what he has done. How can HE have such a good life, he loves again, he is apparently doing well and everywhere I go I am reminded of him. Yet, I am here drowning again. Nothing seems to be going right. When will it be my turn to break free and live again? I try so hard everyday. Pick myself up and carry on, help others and I’m kind, but I get nothing. Nothing back, just a emptiness that is life. What will happen if I give up again?

What scares me the most at the moment is the thoughts I am having. These thoughts I have had before have sprung back to life. If I didn’t wake up it would be better. I wouldn’t bother anyone anymore. I would be free from my demons. All I have to do is swallow down another cocktail of painkillers. Just more this time. I’ve learnt from mistakes. This scares me. I just want to escape this paper town that is crushing the person I need to be. I need help. I need to be found. I can’t deal with being lost anymore.

Words

My head is thumping like the drum of a heavy metal band.
Words envelop my thoughts.
Words you have said.
Words he said.
Words from the past that cut me like a blunt knife; deep and painful.
It’s funny the words that stuck. The words we chose to remember.
It’s never when someone looks deeply into your eyes, love burning into your soul as they tell you how wonderful you are. 
No, you don’t remember the words we should.
Instead we remember the hateful words.
The blame. The destruction. The pain.
This is what sicks in and buries itself into our brain.
One person could say you are beautiful a hundreds times, and ugly once; yet, it would be that one word you would carry around as your burden.
Maybe it is easy to agree with the hate, then to look at yourself and admit to the love that has been shared.
Hateful, disgusting words are what fill my brain these days. 
Words I can’t seem to shake off.
So, my head continues thumping.
Thud, thud, thud, thud.
Will it ever stop.
Thud, thud, thud.
Will the pain leave me in peace.
Thud, thud.
Can’t I be left alone.
Thud.

 

Sleep

Sleep; my favourite thing in the world, sad maybe, but enlightening. Sleep revives me. It helps my ideas flow and gives me a break from my over-activate brain. I miss it. I miss diving into a world overcome with wonder, being embraced by powerful or meaningless dreams, in a land where anything and nothing is possible. Dreamland. My brain won’t rest; it won’t let me submerge into the beauty of a peaceful slumber. Yes, an on-off switch for my brain would really come in handy sometimes, if not all the time. To help filter all these thoughts, thoughts that I cannot fathom. Please brain, I beg you. I pled with you. Please just let me sleep. Please let my body rest. I’m exhausted. I only need a tiny break, a short period of happiness, anything to help me doze in and out of reality. Reality is tough; if not unbearable sometimes. I’m fragile without sleep. Underneath this hard, unbreakable exterior is a fragile scared girl, frightened of the damage the ‘real‘ world will cause. All I ask is for some sleep to help my mind, my body and my soul prepare for this beautiful struggle through life. 

I really don’t think that is too much to ask for…

Pain

Pain consumes my life.
Whether it is physical or emotional, the pain cuts me like a knife.
It controls me.
Absorbing me and never letting me free.
Sleepless nights.
Blinded by the lights.
All I ask is my answers.
Because this pain is like my cancer.
Eating away of what is left.
My heart has been involved in a theft.
Taken away.
I want it back, I pray.
I feel exposed.
Was it the right path I chose?
Why can’t life me simple?
But it is not, a struggle it stays.
One day I will hopefully wake up from this haze.

Time

Please don’t be sorry. It is not your fault. My head is all over the place but I’m still here; I’m still plodding. Just a minor setback. Another hurdle. But I’m still going; I’m still plodding. We can’t go back in time only forward. And forward we shall go. Please don’t worry. I’m still here; I’m still plodding. Darkness overcame me but the light is starting to shine through. I’m still carrying on; I’m still plodding. I’m having a crisis, a quarter life crisis in fact, everything is so overwhelming. All these thoughts and feelings. Not being able to sleep doesn’t help, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely. Don’t worry, I will be okay. I just need some time. Time to reflect. Time to heal. Time to process everything.

I miss him

I miss him.
I never met him, but I love him so much.
Taken too soon.
Taken before I could even meet him.
This world is too cruel.
Instead of meeting him I have to see this tiny box buried into the ground.
A box so tiny.
It’s not right.
That was the worst day of my life.
I will never forget him.
I think about him everyday.
He is the star. The star that shines the brightest down on us.
The star that I see everyday when I look at my foot.
He is a rose. The beautiful rose that blooms ever summer in our garden.
He is my little brother. The boy I never met but the boy I love unconditionally.
The only person I want to meet.
The only person I will never get to meet.
Taken far to soon from this cruel world.
And so we ask, we ask him where he has gone, his response he has gone to dance with the stars.
I hope one day I can dance with him amongst the stars. Hand in hand; brother and sister.
I love you and I always will.
Please wait for me, one day I will dance with you too.

And so it is over…

and I feel empty and numb.

My fault

You are 100% right! This is all my fault, and you know how stubborn I am and I won’t admit when I am wrong.

You both aren’t speaking to me. I told you both I needed space. I have hurt you both. One even said I am ‘breaking’ his heart, but I do it because you both deserve better. I don’t understand what you see in me. I’m nothing. I’m nobody. Just this girl who causing too much pain, to herself and everyone else. Things would be so much better if I just wasn’t ‘here’ anymore. I don’t want to have these thoughts but I do. I can’t control them. Seriously, what do I have? I don’t have a job. No one wants to hire me. My family are moving country and leaving me behind. I’m not doing too well with this master thing and I have no idea how to me more ‘post grad’. Clearly design isn’t right for me anymore because no one wants to hire me. I’ve hurt the two people I care about the most. The only two who actually want to understand. I’ve hurt them because I am greedy and can’t make a decision. I don’t know how I did it but I did.

This is the end. The end to me being so destructive. I won’t hurt you anymore. I won’t hurt either of you anymore. I won’t hurt anymore. 

I’m sorry…

Confusion

I am a dick.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
You both say I make you happy, you both lie.
Or are blinded by what you think I am to see who I really am.
I’m a horrible person.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
All I do is hurt people.
I can’t help it, I don’t even know how I do it, it just happens.
I’m probably better off by myself.
On my own.
No one to hurt.
Just all alone.
I fail at everything.
I can’t seem to do anything right anymore.
Everything I do is wrong.
I give up.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m building the wall again.
Pushing everyone back out.
It’s better that way.
It’s the only way.
What other choices do I have?

Beautiful words

I know I shouldn’t say this, and it probably sounds extremely horrible and harsh. But I like it when we aren’t talking/awkward with each other, because then you. write beautiful words for me to read. Words that capture my heart. Words that start a roller coaster of emotions. Words that turn my thoughts into tornados and thrash through my mind. Words that I read, over and over again, until they are imprinted onto my mind. I don’t lie when I say I think you’re a fantastic writer. I wish you would take the risk and believe in yourself.